Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job