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The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.