Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Are we there yet?…
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.