Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
S O O N
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.