Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Autocarrot sucks!
Kids, do not try this at home!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?