@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
You Might Also Like
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.