Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times