brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith