If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.