A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.