OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?