Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme