Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”