Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!