At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
live long and prosper!
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?