What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.