Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.