Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
58.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.