Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”