Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard