My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
You Might Also Like
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
But is it really??
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Jesus steals the winter solstice