[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
same energy
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”