[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
A leaf blower, but for people.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think