Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.