Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”