Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.