My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
You Might Also Like
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*