Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s