[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
this is me
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad