Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.