Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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Birds & Planes.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Shoo shoo! 😂
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions