My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Every photo I’m tagged in
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.