When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I am HOWLING at this
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
If snakes were wide
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Jupiter
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.