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VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State 禄
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children鈥檚 voices at the door* ok! let鈥檚 get started
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn鈥檛 just increase tenfold
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What鈥檚 up?
4yo: There鈥檚 a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you鈥檝e been acting it won鈥檛 stick around long.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
stephen king鈥檚 mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Calorie tracker: I鈥檒l help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I鈥檓 taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
#JohnTravolta
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
GOD: let鈥檚 give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they鈥檙e sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word