Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting