OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
got so much cardio in today
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!