DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.