I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird