Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Schrödinger’s cookie
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef