Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I am yelling
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?