You Might Also Like
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.