I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You Might Also Like
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
barbara was highly relatable
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it