I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE