I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor