me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.