Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.