Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job