“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.