[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
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She was REALLY feeling it.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
kids play hide and seek like
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me