Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’